Cannibal’s Chili Recipe
If you are making chili for a large crowd, this chili recipe serves 16 guests. You may use different kinds of meat for variation, but I strongly suggest you stick to human.
Cannibal’s Chili Recipe Ingredients
• Olive oil
• 4 medium onions, chopped
• 2 medium green peppers, chopped
• 1 hatch chili pepper (gutted, de-veined and chopped)
• 8 pounds of human (gutted, de-veined and chopped)
• 1 6 oz. can tomato paste
• 2 large cans(1 lb-13oz) cans stewed tomatoes
• 2 1lb cans tomato sauce
• 1 7oz. can chili salsa
• 6 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 3oz. jars chili powder
• 2 tablespoons salt
• 1 tablespoon oregano
• 2 teaspoons garlic powder
• 1 tablespoon ground black pepper
Cannibal’s Chili Recipe Directions
Now, the two hardest parts of this recipe are (1) getting your hands on a hatch chili, and (2) murdering someone and getting away with it. Unfortunately, Hatch chilis are not available at your local supermarket; you’ll have to go online and find a distributor. It will be on the pricey side, but the hatch’s delicate spicy/sweet balance is well worth the money for any food lover. Now, finding someone to murder and eat will also be a challenge, but it is not impossible. I recommend you get in your car, go across state lines and pick up a hitchhiker* (they are usually unloved and forgotten, and frankly, if one goes missing the cops don’t go looking.) Pick them up and befriend them. Earn their trust. Once you’ve earned it, tell them there is a beautiful nature preserve nearby that they absolutely must see. The hitchhiker will be hesitant, that’s where you say, “what are you afraid of? It’s not like I’m going to murder you.” Depending on your delivery, that line will put the hitchhiker at ease, or instill them with a paralyzing amount of fear. Either way you win. Once you find the nature preserve, take a walk around the perimeter. Make sure no one is around. When you’re certain no one is around, chloroform the hitchhiker. Take the hitchhiker’s unconscious body and drag it deeper into the woods. Keep your eyes peeled for a bear cave. Once you find a bear cave, drag the hitchhiker inside. (This is where you may have your way with the hitchhikers body, sexually speaking. I don’t partake in that sort of behavior. Me, I’m in it just for the eating.) Take out you hunting knife and start carving. (Now, most people think they’re incapable of murder. When I’m killing, I always try to remember that the person standing beneath my blade has done much wrong in their life, they’ve earned what’s about to be plunged into their throat. Try to think of it as a mercy kill. They need a way out of their horrible life of sin. You’re doing a good thing. Always remember: you’re doing a good thing). Not all hitchhikers are alike. Some are meatier than others. Regardless, the best parts are usually the legs. Take what you want, place the meat in a plastic lined backpack, and leave the rest of the hitchhiker for the bears. Get back in your car and drive away like nothing happened. Once you cross state lines, dispose of the murder weapon. Once you’re home, grind up the hitchhikers leg, then brown meat in large skillet (you may have to do 2 batches of browning) and drain. Heat oil in a very large pot over medium heat. Sauté onions, green peppers, and garlic until softened, about 10 minutes. Add hitchhiker meat, tomato paste, stewed tomatoes and tomato sauce. Stir in garlic powder, chili powder, salt, black pepper, oregano, chile salsa, and hatch pepper. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 3 hours, stirring every 15 minutes or so. Season to taste with salt and pepper halfway through cooking time.
Once the chili is done, portion it off in to small cereal bowls. You may garnish with a dollop of sour cream, a little sprinkling of cheddar cheese, or some green onions. The most important thing is that you tell no one your horrible secret. No one. Bon appetit!
*For “Chile Picante” sub hitchhiker for a migrant worker
